Beer Brothers

I found this one on the net, and it made me giggle. I hope it brings a smile to your day.

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

You might be a redneck....

This 911 caller definitely won't be winning any spelling bees...

Redneck 911 Caller

... or any 'Best Hubby of the Year' awards!

The fine art of upselling

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?

The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down and asked, 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65 .'

The boss says, '$101, 237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'


Upselling - that's how ya do it! :-) Thanks for sending this Heather!

We want in on the fun, too!

Meemaw had cataract surgery yesterday, so her girls donned eye patches and took her out to dinner at Long John Silver's to celebrate! Well... we wanted in on the fun, too! WE LOVE YOU MEEMAW!

Here's Pirate Jess and Pirate Alex doing their best, "AARRGGHs!"
Even Frizzle wanted in on the fun!

Parents say the darndest things...

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.
'That''s cool.' says Bobby.
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'
Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'

Needs mo funny

Here's some funnies to brighten your day! We all needs da funnies!

That poor poor newsman...

This video is making the rounds on the herpetological forums. OMG it's too funny! This newsman is NEVER going to live this down. I didn't know a human being could make such noises! LOL - Keep your eye on the lizard on the lower left corner....

Exercises for People Over 50

My friend Mary-Virginia from across the pond sent this. I can SOOOO relate!

Exercises for People Over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb. potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

I can just about do that one!

Real Life Dilbert Quotes

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. inRedmond WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

Thanks for sending these Heather!

Cap'n Bloodsnatch

OMG - my baby started her period today! WHEEEEE!!!!! We're having a party! She'd the newest member of the 'club' ladies! Welcome her to the fold! Jess came up with the message on the cake, and it seemed appropriately tacky and funny. WE HAS CLASS!

Life is so good!

Too Much Coffee?

Thanks, Heather, for sending this to me. Although, I'm not really sure what the words "too much coffee" mean... I know it's English, but it still has NO MEANING to me! PASS THE CREAMER! NOW!!!!!

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee
- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

The English Patient

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

A Frickin' Elephant

Thanks for sending this, Heather! Gave me a good chuckle!

My four-year old Grandson is learning to read. Yesterday he pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look Grandpa! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Grandpa! It says so on the picture!' and so it does...


African Elephant

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

ZOMG!!! SHE DID IT!

Jess started her own blog. Of course, it looks better than the rest of ours combined.... she's got it like that!

CHECK HER OUT!!!!!!


http://rogue-kitty.blogspot.com

Retirement

My girlfriends are keeping me laughing today! This one is from my bestest friend, Becky! Love you, B!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Sensible Observations

Sent to me by my good friend, Carol in Texas. I MISS YOU!


1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car.'
--Author Unknown


2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'
--Author Unknown


3) 'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.'
--Drew Carey


4) 'The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house.'
--Jeff Foxworthy


5) 'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.'
--Dave Barry


6) 'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp.'
--Bob Ettinger


7) 'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.''
--Paula Poundstone


8) 'A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: 'Duh.'
--Conan O'Brien


9) 'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner.'
--Lynda Montgomery


10) 'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.''
--Richard Jeni


11) 'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.'
--Johnny Carson


12) 'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.'
--Paul Rodriguez


13) 'My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's the law.'
--Jerry Seinfeld


14) 'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson


15) 'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same.'
--Oscar Wilde


16) 'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.'
--Mark Twain


17) 'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan '
--A. Whitney Brown


18) 'You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!''
--Dave Barry


19) Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased


20) 'Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer.'
--W. C. Fields


And lastly: Why in the hell should I have to 'Press 1 for English?'
--Every American

TICK WARNING!!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it
myself a couple times unintentionally...but this one is real, and it's
important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,

DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

My sweet friend, Heather sent this - thanks for the giggles, Heather!!!!!

Why did the chicken cross the road..........

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN McCAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road!

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do I s help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of “cross”?

AL GORE:
I invented the road AND the highway!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun!

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Dressed in Style

Evidently it's not true - not all men put their pants on one leg at a time! Check this out!!!

Best Forwarding Email Ever

Feelin' recharged

Feelin' better. The happies are comin' back!!!!

Hugs all around!

Happies.... we needs dem....

Sad days...

We've had some sad days lately. My bestest friend, Becky's, dad passed away. My oldest daughter dubbed him "Crazy Bill" when she was just a toddler. His bright smile, big heart, and quick wit will be missed. And then Becky's almost-father-in-law passed away after a dreadful fight with pain and demensia. Becky can't seem to catch a break lately, my poor sweetie. Send some soothing, relaxing, healing thoughts her way. (Aim just west of Wichita... LOL)

My hubby lost his job. He was driving over the road for a great group of people. They were keeping him busy, and getting him home when he wanted. Then the owner's wife decided to file for divorce, and in effect forced them to shut down. Sucks MAJOR! He's on unemployment now, and looking for local work. Send some good job finding vibes his way, 'k?

We need some laughs.... I'm gonna go see what I can stir up on the 'net. Bound to be something to giggle at, right?!?

I'll be back to post some happies.... we need happies....

Been a while... sorry!

Been a while since I posted anything - SORRY! Been getting ready for Jessica's 18TH birthday.... 18th..... birthday.... YIKES! I can't believe my ickle-babykins is an adult. I couldn't possibly be more proud of her - she's an amazing young lady who continues to brighten my every day.

Here's another Bush-ism I found today. Just makes ya so proud to have him as our commander-in-thief... I mean chief.

We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation that will make--it would hope--put a free press's mind at ease that you're not being denied information you shouldn't see.
--George W. Bush

Washington, DC
04/14/2005

Revenge is in the air

Not exactly a happy cat.... REVENGE is in the air....


see more crazy cat pics

Watch out monsters!

I love this little girl! This is what she says when she's asked about monsters...

Zero Punctuation

Jess turned me on to this fabulous dude. He's an English fella that goes by the name Yahtzee Croshaw. Each week, he puts out an animated review of a video game. He talks SOOOO fast, and swears SOOOO much, and makes me laugh SOOOO hard. This video is his review of the game Guitar Hero III. The line about the Mona Lisa made me spew. Luckily I wasn't too close to my monitor....



To check out more of his hilarious videos, visit
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/articles/view/editorials/zeropunctuation

Employment Ads

What that 'job lingo' in the employment ads REALLY means...

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Chimp-o-matic

See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.
--George W. Bush

Greece, NY
05/24/2005




There's a RSS feed site called Chimp-o-matic that spits out random "Bushisms Served Your Way." They make me laugh. They'd make me laugh harder if it weren't so embarrassing...

Motivational Posters for Super Villains

I love these! My future son-in-law sent me this link. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. You KNOW it's not easy being a super villain. I'm sure these motivational posters are just what they need to get them through their gruelling days.

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/motivational-posters-for.php?page=1


And WHY are they always singing in Latin??? That's just spooky....

How to Handle a Problem Neighbor

How to handle a problem neighbor....

Who doesn't love Maxine?

The older I get, the more I can relate....

Katie's New Hat

Katie got a new hat for V-Day. She's STYLIN'! Check her out!





Happy Valentine's Day Everybody!

Cat channels old Russian guy...

OMG this one makes me laugh out loud every time I watch it. This kitty is NOT AMUSED with the presence of another cat, and he sounds like some old Russian guy complaining about it! For those of you with no sound, GET SOME SPEAKERS! (You know who you are.....)

Talking Clock

My hubby sent me this one... LOL

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock?? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You asshole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

Screen Cleaner

Howdy everybody! Sorry I've been out of touch, but my back went ker-flooey and I was temporarily out of commission. I'm back now! A sweet friend from England sent this to me, and it's SO adorable! Got a messy monitor screen? This will take care of it for ya....

http://www.linein.org/media/screen_clean.swf

Have a happy day, my friends!

Does this toilet make my butt look big?

Ha! Heather sent me another good'un! Enjoy!

LOL Cats

There are a couple of websites I really enjoy (they make me laugh so hard I start to cry) with funny cat pictures. They are:

I Can Has Cheeseburger
and
Meme Cats

Here are a few tasty samples - hope they make you giggle!

Old Ladies :-)

This one made me laugh out loud - thanks for sending it, Heather!


An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Old Ladies

ZOMG!

OH.... MY.... GOD!

Phil and Katie made it home just fine, and it's SOOOOOOOOOOOO good to have my family all together. Much huggin' and kissin' was had by all. They brought presents for everybody, but MINE were the best. They brought home 2 beautiful ball pythons, and 5 of the MOST GORGEOUS leopard geckos I've ever seen. (THANK YOU, LISA!) I'll get some pics posted soon, but for now... I'm getting back to the huggin' and kissin'.

PS Go see Cloverfield if you haven't yet. It's an intense, wild ride!

Katie's New Hairstyle

Miss Katie got a new hairstyle while she was on the road with Daddy. Isn't she gorgeous????




And the BEST THING is, THEY'LL BE HOME TONIGHT!!! WHEEEEE!!!

It's binary, baby!

Our friend, Lisa in Austin, has this tag line on all her emails, and it cracks me up every time I see it. Hope it gives you a giggle....

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world...
Those who understand binary and those who don't."

Here's a link to her blog - it's UBERKEWL!

Lisa's blog

Viva Las Vegas!

Phil & Katie are on their way back home FINALLY! They've been gone since December 26, and here it is a month later. They got to spend a day in Vegas, and sent me this pic which I thought was just adorable. Hopefully, they'll be home in a couple of days and I'll have my BABIES back.

What?! No school today?

This was posted on one of the homeschooling forums I read, and it made me giggle. Hope you enjoy it, too! :-)

Top 10 Things NOT to say when asked "What?! No school today?"

10. Well normally yes, but this time of year I need help with the planting and plowing.
9. Goodness, no!!! I graduated 18 years ago, but thanks for the compliment!
8. No, we homeschool. We're just out to pick up a bag of pork rinds and some Mountain Dew, then we gotta hurry home to catch our soaps.
7. What?! Where did you guys come from?! Oh my gosh! I thought I told you kids to stay at school! I'm sorry. This happens all the time. (sigh)
6. There isn't? Why, you'd think we would have seen more kids out then, don't you?
5. We're on a field trip studying human nature's intrusive and assumptive tactics of displaying ignorance and implied superiority. Thanks for the peek!
4. On our planet we have different methods of education. (Shhh! No, I didn't give it away... keep your antennae down!)
3. Oh my goodness! I thought that today was Saturday...come on kids, hurry!
2. Noooooope. Me 'n Bubba jes' learns 'em at home. Werks reel good!

And the number one answer we should NEVER give to the question: "What? No school today?"

1. "What? No Bingo today?"

Skullcrusher Mountain

This is one of my favorite WOW videos. For you noobs out there who don't know what a WOW video is, here's the info: It's a video a fan makes using a song they like, and using World of Warcraft gameplay captured on their computer. There are some REALLY impressive videos out there - this one is just funny. The song is by Jonathan Coulton who writes great funny, sometimes cute, sometimes naughty songs. Hope you enjoy!

Heather-One-Feather Gives You the Weather Tagged Me

In this tag you share 6 quirky or weird things about yourself.

1. Link to the person that tagged you.

2. Post the rules on your blog.

3. Share six non important bizarre things/quirk/habits about yourself.4. Tag six other people, link to their blogs and let them know by posting a comment on their blog.

Here are my six:

1. I love snakes. I think they're beautiful and fascinating, and make fantastic pets. Especially corn snakes, and ball pythons... and kingsnakes... and burms... ok... burms need some special care (like LOTS of room and careful, smart handling) but I lurvs them so!

2. I'm seriously addicted to playing World of Warcraft. I used to berate my kids and hubby for getting too involved in the "DAMN GAME" and neglecting other things, but now I understand. Once they finally got me to try it, I was hooked! So far, hunter is my favorite class, but I'm enjoying druid and priest as well. FOR THE HORDE!

3. I have a huge crush on Hugh Laurie. I know the character he plays - Dr. House - is a complete ASSHAT, but I really like the way he's horribly, brutally honest, even when he's lying. I know it doesn't make any sense. I also think Alan Rickman is really hot. Can't really explain that one either.

4. I can't stand the thought of drinking tap water. Granted, I grew up on it, and drank it all the time until about 5 years ago when we got a water cooler and started drinking 'good' water. Now I'm such an aquasnob! I will literally panic if we run out of bottled water, and I'll think, "What on earth will I drink?!? I'll die of dehydration!!!" Then I remember, we're not REALLY out of water... there's a whole faucet full right there in the kitchen sink... But I've managed to avoid drinking tap water for 5 years, and I don't plan on starting again any time soon.

5. I booted my brother and kept my sister-in-law. My big brother is in prison AGAIN, and due to the circumstances and the jeopardy he placed my family in, I no longer have anything to do with him. We've had no communication in nearly 2 years. His wife divorced him, but she and I have decided to stay forever sister-in-laws. She's an awesome amazing woman, and I can't imagine not having her in my life.

6. I love wind-up toys. They just tickle me silly. Cheap crappy little pieces of plastic that you wind up, and they move. PURE BLISS!


Okay... there's my six! :-)

My Living Will

My sweetest, bestest friend sent me this last night. It made me laugh out loud - thanks for the giggles, Beck!

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch!

Enjoy your day, peoples!

Wild Hairs

LOL - Jess and I got our hairs cutted today. :-) Isn't we pretty?????

Unwritten

Okay okay okay.... I've been neglecting my blog. I'M SORRY! *cry*

I guess the title of this blog entry sort of says it all... unwritten. I haven't been writing, I've been sort of cocooned and unresponsive lately. Time for me to open back up and get back out there. I just found this song yesterday, and it's been a nice kick in the booty for me, so I've been listening to it over and over. Here's the lyrics:

Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten, yeah

Oh, oh

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines, oh yeah yeah
We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way oh, oh

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live you life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten

The rest is still unwritten

Want to hear it? She's got such an amazing voice. Click here to see her video on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ilo3zfnk5U

WATCH IT!! IT ARE GOOD!!!!